Assault with a silent but deadly weapon

found on Dump A Day

Now I'm not saying you shouldn't be punished for launching a gas attack like some malodorous squid squirting out ink, but just that if you do toot, maybe don't make it look intentional

Good thing you didn't forget which finger to use

found on Acid Cow

There are a variety of reasons why unlocking a phone with just a fingerprint might not be a good idea (such as the fact that it can be entered without your consent by an intimate contact or compelled from you by the authorities) but if those kinds of adversaries aren't part of your threat model then forgetfulness is certainly an argument in favour of fingerprint unlock.

Not sure about that beard, though

found on Reddit

A little bit of weight gain isn't going to change the contours of your face much, but growing a beard is certainly going to obscure what was there before. 

Wouldn't have been a problem if it were "Who soever is carrying your fingerprints"

found on Izismile

Remembering passwords is a problem for everyone. There's only so much our brains can hold. That's why we come up with assistive technologies to help keep things secure in spite of our fallible memories. One of those is biometric authentication, which replaces something you know (supposedly your password unless you forgot it) with something you are.

Destroyer of codec scams

found on Reddit

Back in the day, videos with weird formats were a popular bait used by malware authors to get people to install face codecs that were actually malware in hopes of playing those videos. But VLC could play virtually anything without the need for additional codecs and as people figured that out, those fake codecs became less effective and eventually went out of fashion.