When you need a diversion for your art heist

found on Reddit

I don't know if the shirt is telling the truth, but I'm pretty sure the security guards are going to be watching her like a hawk the whole time she's there.

Bringing balance to the force

found on Funny Junk

Isn't balance what society is after these days? Isn't that why the news covers "both sides" of things? Maybe the Insecurity guy is contributing something worthwhile.

Checking for unauthorized treats

found on Dump A Day

Who better to locate unauthorized treats than a pack of ravenous kittens?

Don't try anything fishy

found on Acid Cow

Security cat is going to be watching you swipe your card very carefully, so there better not be any funny business or things will get hairy.

Threat modeling gone wrong

from here and here

It's amazing that the US has tighter restrictions on Kinder Surprise Eggs (not to be confused with Kinder Joy Eggs) than they do on assault rifles. I wonder how the deliberations for that went. Do you think if there was a chocolate lobby as powerful as the gun lobby that there would be a constitutional amendment guaranteeing the right to bare treats? 

Feisty Squirrel Protects Jewelry Store Cash Register

Watch on YouTube

This security squirrel's job is nuts and that's just the way he likes it.

I feel more secure already

found on Reddit

I have mixed feelings about this. There are at least 2 different ways to interpret it.

1. If they can't even get the dog part right then I don't hold out much hope for the security part
2. Maybe this is an example of "You keep what you kill"

When you need a security guard for a blood bank

found on Izismile

If you've got a vamp problem, I'm sure this daywalker can take care of it. 

They say security is a game of cat and mouse

from here and here (image source)

If you have to ask, yes, YOU are the mouse, so don't get out of line.

Security doggo has got his eye on you

found on Reddit

This looks like the kind of good boy that can keep you safe and secure. Critical eyes, ears at the alert, patiently waiting until something requires his expert attention. And with that shirt on, when people break in they'll know he means business.

Watch out for him or you'll get nerfed

from here and here (image source)

This little fellow is making sure no one gets close enough to shoulder surf his mom's PIN number. He's doing an admirable job of it too.

So much for getting the right tool for the job

found on Acid Cow

Just in case there's any confusion, this is not the right tool for the job. Fluffy will not be able to take down a perp unless that perp is Stuart Little.

Keeping out unauthorized pests

foudn on Acid Cow

It's not like a human bouncer can easily get rid of a mouse. We're not as well matched to that particular threat model as Elwood here.

Conan Becomes A Security Guard

Watch on YouTube

So do you think he brought an appropriate amount of gravitas the the position? I gather he's quite tall in person, so I'm sure he could intimidate suspects if the need arose, just as long as he didn't move or speak or do anything else that might display his normal personality.

Don't worry about Zs, he's catching them all

Watch on YouTube

If you need a someone who fits in the chair and doesn't snore on duty, this is your guy.

So much for keeping your eyes peeled

from here (image source)

This guy seems better at catching Z's than catching perps. Security guards shouldn't let their guard down so easily.

Security Distancing

Watch on YouTube

This security guard's "I'm Not Touching You" game is on point. I'm sure that's a skill a lot of security guards will want to develop in the wake of the pandemic, though I'm not sure it will be good for security.

Are you feline lucky, punk?

found on Funny Junk

That is one angry looking cat. I think I'll steer well clear of that one.

Pretty sure the password is food

found on The Humor Train

Information kiosk with a badge

found on Memes Monkey

Whatever you think of security guards, it seems the reality is much more banal.